Dear Diary

Wow. I just found this entry from an old diary.

October 14, 2007:
"Long long sad sad story... I am giving up men forever... I shall be a hairy lesbian now."

There was no explanation. I wondered what happened. And no, I am not a hairy lesbian now.

My penis, named TREE

Enrique: "What's up?"
Me: "My boner"

Oh that reminds me of a story...
...about how mature I am...
One time, my goth girlfriend decided to go on a date with a sweet virgin Christian boy...
I duno what posse her to decide it was a good idea for him to meet me.
When I heard he was innocent, I knew I had to stuff my crotch with socks and pretend I had a penis.
I named my penis, "Tree"

It turned out the christian boy had a sense of humor and took it well :)

Talked to the eye candy

So I talked to the "eye candy" for the first time in school. I couldn't stop fantasizing about us having sex. I am pretty sure my eyes were just oozing lust (in the creeper way). I am also pretty sure I was drooling a bit. It took a lot of might to speak in normal English and not scream out: "STICK IT IN ME!!!"

I am so not smooth when it comes to hot guys I like =[

Text Fail

Another misspelled text gone wrong. I meant to ask a friend if he wanted to go to the mountains and play in the "snow".

"Hey foo. Wanna go play in the shower with me?"

Esther shouts: "LAKERS SUCK"

Markis, Esther and I are walking in a bad part of downtown L.A

Esther suddenly had the urge to shout: "LAKERS SUCK!"

I shove Markis away yelling: "SHIIT LETS LEAVE BEFORE WE ALL GET BEAT UP!"

Right then, a scary cholo looking man comes out screaming: "WHO SAID LAKERS SUCK?"

Throwing Esther to the wolves, I pointed at her crying: "SHE DID SHE DID"... SPARE OUR LIVES!

Failed thought of the day

"I wonder if milk works on vegans like holy water works on vampires."

Text Fail

My text to Taline:

"So ya I wanna wash my car and if its hot u shud bring the kids over and we can splash around with the hoes"

Yes I meant to write: "hose"

Shecky's Girls Nite Out

I just came back from this event: Shecky's Girls Nite Out
What you read below is what I wrote on my DSi while this event was happening. I went by myself.

Parked @ wrong place.

Fail.

Decided to go to 99 cents store.

Bought lots of useless things like "Spongebob night light" and "pink shot glasses" that I'll never use.

Parked @ right place but it was 10 dollars.

Fuck that.

Could have gotten myself a 10 dollar hooker for that amount of money.

Went to Johnny Rockets.

Waiter is cute.

Got wings and played on DS for 30 minutes.

Wings were hot. So is my waiter. Haha.

Left a big tip.

Got another 30 minutes to kill so I went to the car museum.

Saw the Bat Mobile and almost had an orgasm.

Went to Shecky's.

Got a cocktail.

Drunk.

Signed up for "Fat Girls R Beautiful 2" magazine. Something like that.

Need to walk off this buzz.

Ohhh shiny things.

No. Must walk off this buzz.

Signs up for Margarita making class. (Don't ask)

(3 Minutes later)... @ Margarita class.

Had 3 shots waiting for me at the table during this class.

Couldn't open the shaker.

Hot blonde guy opens it for me. I think I drooled a little.

Didn't notice the measuring line and put way too much tequila.

Shit.

Gotta drink it, everyone's looking.

Made the ugliest face.

Noticed the cameras right in front of me.

Shit.

Class over.

Wobbled away.

Oh my more shiny expensive things.

While I was drunk, someone took advantage of me and convinced me to buy 20 dollars worth of soap. Don't ask. They smelled like candies. It's a miracle I didn't eat them.

Feeling makeup running off.

Maybelline offers me a free makeover.

I accept.

20 Minutes later.

I look like a whore.

So drunk. I wanna go home. But I must walk off this buzz first.

Hot shirtless guys offers me more drinks.

I must accept.

Totally trashed.

(I can't make out what I wrote on this page so... skip)

Sooo many shiny things. So many shirtless guys w/ free alcohol.

Must leave.

Wobble to Johnny Rockets again.

Bought chili cheese fries.

Waiting to sober up so I can go home.

End of passage on my DSi.

I went to my car and lied there for an hour before I was ready to drive. I realized I can never have sex in the back of my car unless I do it with a midget, and I was a midget.

Target Fail

So last year... While walking to the restroom at Target, I didn't feel my underwear came undone and slowly started sliding off. It tipped me. I fell. Instead of collecting myself and brushing it off, I ran to the bathroom like a madman (with a vagina) thus causing more attention on me.
What to do? What to do?
What else but to take a picture and post it on facebook.

Here is what my wonderful supportive friends had to say to make me feel better:


Orlando: bahahahahha

Hiro: Yes, exactly, that's what anybody would do, immediately run to the nearest bathroom, prolonging public exposure in the process, get into a stall with panties dragging along dirty public floors, whip out camera, take pic, wealth in internet points achieved. Fucking GOLD

Ron: Sinner. I'm still looking online for the video. I know it's out there, and when I find it, I'm making it my profile picture.