Hacked on facebook

So stupid-ass me left my facebook running in school. Someone deleted all my stuff, and wrote on my wall: "i really want to suck some big fat black dick my pussy is wetter than a river"

So a lot of ppl commented... One of them was MY TEACHER!! I could die of embarrassment right now...

Granny Panties

So a few weeks ago, my mom came to my room and asked: "Would you like these?"
I looked, and she was holding... The ugliest, biggiest, redest granny panties I've ever seen.

THEY WERE HUGE (thats what she said) AND SOOOO UGLY!

I burst out laughing and took it.

To be funny, I actually put them on and went to show my sister, of course she freaks out and screamed: "EWWWW WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!"
I danced around a bit to gross her out more. We both laughed. But after a few minutes I realized.... Granny panties are a lot more comfortable than thongs... Its like having soft pillows on your ass...



Shhhhh... I still have it.

Sexy webcaming FAILED

Yesterday I was at school and the teacher put on a looong boring slide show.... So I went on facebook and tried to webcam chat with "C" (the person that sat 2 seats away from me).

We can't actually talk, so I wrote a note and held it up like this:


He wrote back:
"WAKE YO AZZ UP!!!"

So than I had a great idea to write and send him this:

But right when I held that up against my chest.... The teacher decided to turn around and talk to the ppl in the back row.... And he looked something like this:

So ya when the teacher turned around... He saw me..... Looking like this:



He wasn't happy, but he didn't put me on blast either.

So my strip tease webcam career was cut short. :(

BLAH!

Goofy girls don't get the guys. Must be more mysterious.....

It says so on ASKMEN. Practically everyone to meets me knows my life story already =P

Lust!

I am once again in lust my dear readers. I have kept him a secret from my friends so far because, well... The dude kinda looks like a serial killer... BUT a gentle one! Like, one that would whisper kind words into your ears while slitting your throat.

On a happier note, I will be going to Exxotica on Friday! Yay!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The Playboy Bong

Me: "OMG! A playboy bong! I want it I want it!"

Lily, the unreasonable sister: "Stupid, you don't even smoke!"

Me: "BUT IT'S PLAYBOY!"

Lily: "What, so if there's a playboy crack pipe you'll get that too?"

Me (*thinking..... thinking....*): "Yes"

Hollywood Improv

Had a great time at the Hollywood Improv. I got to see Bobby Lee (shirtless), and that guy from Tropical Thunder... The one that sings about "Booty Sweat".
I love comedy clubs like how most guys love strip clubs... I get all flustered and develop a small crush on all the comedians..

Like a pervert at a strip club... I have the urge to throw dollar bills at them, and in my head I'm thinking: "I wanna fuck him- And him- And him..."

Party Rock Vegas!

Went with: Orlando, Frank, Martin & Sonia.

[Sunday]
Had 4 chocolates to give to everyone. It melted like soup in 7 minutes.
Heading to Vegas.
Fell asleep.
Woke up with drool all over my face.
Announced in a hoarse tone that I was very thirsty. Helpful Frank offers me hot Cheetos.

Get to Vegas.
Sonia and I claimed our bed.
Martin throws all his crap on the GIRLS bed than laid his nasty sweaty body all over it.
Orlando falls asleep.
Sonia makes a ton of drinks and forced everyone to drink (this was like... 3 PM)
Walk to CVS, was attacked by many porn promoters. We all collected a bunch of the porno cards.

Gets to hotel.
Decides it is a great idea to cover sleeping Orlando in porn.
Orlando wakes up because we could not stop laughing.
Sonia jumps on him and calls him a "bitch".
Frank gets the penis pillow and pretends to butt rape Sonia.
Sonia gets the second penis pillow and pretends to mouth rape Orlando.
Martin gets the porn and poses next to them. *I take a pic*

Frank, Sonia and Martin goes to the pool.
Orlando is still sleeping.
I go to ROSS to hunt for Playboy things. They failed me.
Being drunk and angry, I demand the manager show me their stock list book.
Walk back to hotel and shower.
I sit on bed and start to apply makeup.
Orlando starts yelling like if he were about to level up to super saiyan.
I look over. He doesn't even move... Just kept screaming.
Suddenly, he sits right up and looks at me.
It does not help that I am covered in white sheets and my face is pure white from powder, plus I had no eyebrows. I looked like an Asian ghost.
Orlando curses for 20 seconds straight, than falls back to sleep.... ?????

The rest gets back. Everyone gets ready to go to Club Voodoo.
Sonia makes tons more drinks.
Orlando gets drunk first and starts to do gay stuff like finger Martins butt... Lick Martin's crotch... Blow Martin's penis... Etc etc (I HAVE ALL THE PICS TO PROVE IT)
Frank gets drunk. Sits there all emo.
Sonia gets drunk and lays on top of the guys randomly.
Martin gets drunk and wouldn't stop checking himself out in the mirror.
Orlando falls off bed. Frank laughs and spills alcohol on his crotch.
Orlando tries to hold a cup with his tongue and ends up spilling his whole cup (full) on to Martin.
We leave for the club.

Frank is dazed and confused. I turned around and he was just staring at his feet. Sonia had to hold his arm and lead him.
Martin walks ahead talking to himself (And hitting on random jailbait white girls)
Orlando decides to collect porn cards.
Frank gets sick and Sonia is tired of carrying him.
Martin collects lots of porn cards, stopped in the middle of the street, threw them all in the air screaming: "WEEEEEEE!". The Mexican lady who handed him the cards cursed him out.
Sonia complains her feet hurts.
Frank starts to ramble nonsense about being too drunk. Orlando decides to help by going up to him: "Here hold the porn!"
Martin continues to walk by himself and talking to himself.
Orlando thought the Mcdonalds sign was a big penis.
Sonia announced she is going back to the room because her feet is killing her.
Martin picks her up: "I GOT YOU!", took two steps, than drops her on her back.
Sonia is pissed and says to go on without her.
Martin insists on going to Club Voodoo even if its by himself.
Frank was speaking unintelligibly.
Orlando continues to collect porn.

So it was decided Martin and Frank take Sonia back to the room.
Orlando says he hasn't had anything to eat all day so we go off to get food and meet up with Martin & Frank later.
Orlando and I get to SWEET FACTORY and gets food.
Martin apparently started talking to a guy asking him for weed and told him we were going to "Club Woohoo"
Later, Sonia text me saying the guys are passed out.
Orlando and I get back to the room to find everyone sleeping.
Frank and Martin are holding hands... And Martin still had a half eaten chicken nugget in his mouth.

End of day 1

The Mysterious Lube

Tuesday at 11:31pm

OMFG
I JUST STEPPED ON A PUDDLE OF LUBE
STRAWBERRY LUBE
I DON'T OWN ANY LUBE!!!!!!

*update*
It wasn't lube.... It was dog shampoo.

Oh Ron

Me: "I TEXT U EVERYDAY! I CALL U EVERYDAY! U IGNORE MEEEEEE! *CRIES*"

Ron: "NOPE"

Me: "*FARTS*"

Ron: "You hate me"

Me: "*THROWS UP*"
Me: "*THROWS GAY PORN AT U*"

Ron: "It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

The devil inside

Went to see a screening for the movie: "The devil inside"

Sat next to a cute stranger. Bad idea, cause I can't handle scary movies.
I only wacked him about 5 times, breathed heavily (in a very unattractive way)... Spilled water on him... Kicked him numerous times, and yelled: "WATCH THE MOVIE" in a very ugly demonic voice when he laughed at me for closing my eyes. Needless to say, he did not ask for my number afterwards.

My birthday wishlist

• Pink backpack with wheels (school books & art supplies are getting too heavy)
• All 3 Playboy perfumes for women
• Playboy giftcard: http://www.playboystore.com/giftcard
• Playboy pillows (actual pillows NOT pillow covers)
  
• Exercise pen for pets
• Captain Underpants the complete collection
• Pink bowling ball

Oh Jessica

My cousin Jessica makes me laugh, than gets mad when I laugh because she doesn't understand why.

Jessica: "Shelly, did you know black men have beautiful voice?"

Dear Diary

Wow. I just found this entry from an old diary.

October 14, 2007:
"Long long sad sad story... I am giving up men forever... I shall be a hairy lesbian now."

There was no explanation. I wondered what happened. And no, I am not a hairy lesbian now.

My penis, named TREE

Enrique: "What's up?"
Me: "My boner"

Oh that reminds me of a story...
...about how mature I am...
One time, my goth girlfriend decided to go on a date with a sweet virgin Christian boy...
I duno what posse her to decide it was a good idea for him to meet me.
When I heard he was innocent, I knew I had to stuff my crotch with socks and pretend I had a penis.
I named my penis, "Tree"

It turned out the christian boy had a sense of humor and took it well :)

Talked to the eye candy

So I talked to the "eye candy" for the first time in school. I couldn't stop fantasizing about us having sex. I am pretty sure my eyes were just oozing lust (in the creeper way). I am also pretty sure I was drooling a bit. It took a lot of might to speak in normal English and not scream out: "STICK IT IN ME!!!"

I am so not smooth when it comes to hot guys I like =[

Text Fail

Another misspelled text gone wrong. I meant to ask a friend if he wanted to go to the mountains and play in the "snow".

"Hey foo. Wanna go play in the shower with me?"

Esther shouts: "LAKERS SUCK"

Markis, Esther and I are walking in a bad part of downtown L.A

Esther suddenly had the urge to shout: "LAKERS SUCK!"

I shove Markis away yelling: "SHIIT LETS LEAVE BEFORE WE ALL GET BEAT UP!"

Right then, a scary cholo looking man comes out screaming: "WHO SAID LAKERS SUCK?"

Throwing Esther to the wolves, I pointed at her crying: "SHE DID SHE DID"... SPARE OUR LIVES!

Failed thought of the day

"I wonder if milk works on vegans like holy water works on vampires."

Text Fail

My text to Taline:

"So ya I wanna wash my car and if its hot u shud bring the kids over and we can splash around with the hoes"

Yes I meant to write: "hose"

Shecky's Girls Nite Out

I just came back from this event: Shecky's Girls Nite Out
What you read below is what I wrote on my DSi while this event was happening. I went by myself.

Parked @ wrong place.

Fail.

Decided to go to 99 cents store.

Bought lots of useless things like "Spongebob night light" and "pink shot glasses" that I'll never use.

Parked @ right place but it was 10 dollars.

Fuck that.

Could have gotten myself a 10 dollar hooker for that amount of money.

Went to Johnny Rockets.

Waiter is cute.

Got wings and played on DS for 30 minutes.

Wings were hot. So is my waiter. Haha.

Left a big tip.

Got another 30 minutes to kill so I went to the car museum.

Saw the Bat Mobile and almost had an orgasm.

Went to Shecky's.

Got a cocktail.

Drunk.

Signed up for "Fat Girls R Beautiful 2" magazine. Something like that.

Need to walk off this buzz.

Ohhh shiny things.

No. Must walk off this buzz.

Signs up for Margarita making class. (Don't ask)

(3 Minutes later)... @ Margarita class.

Had 3 shots waiting for me at the table during this class.

Couldn't open the shaker.

Hot blonde guy opens it for me. I think I drooled a little.

Didn't notice the measuring line and put way too much tequila.

Shit.

Gotta drink it, everyone's looking.

Made the ugliest face.

Noticed the cameras right in front of me.

Shit.

Class over.

Wobbled away.

Oh my more shiny expensive things.

While I was drunk, someone took advantage of me and convinced me to buy 20 dollars worth of soap. Don't ask. They smelled like candies. It's a miracle I didn't eat them.

Feeling makeup running off.

Maybelline offers me a free makeover.

I accept.

20 Minutes later.

I look like a whore.

So drunk. I wanna go home. But I must walk off this buzz first.

Hot shirtless guys offers me more drinks.

I must accept.

Totally trashed.

(I can't make out what I wrote on this page so... skip)

Sooo many shiny things. So many shirtless guys w/ free alcohol.

Must leave.

Wobble to Johnny Rockets again.

Bought chili cheese fries.

Waiting to sober up so I can go home.

End of passage on my DSi.

I went to my car and lied there for an hour before I was ready to drive. I realized I can never have sex in the back of my car unless I do it with a midget, and I was a midget.

Target Fail

So last year... While walking to the restroom at Target, I didn't feel my underwear came undone and slowly started sliding off. It tipped me. I fell. Instead of collecting myself and brushing it off, I ran to the bathroom like a madman (with a vagina) thus causing more attention on me.
What to do? What to do?
What else but to take a picture and post it on facebook.

Here is what my wonderful supportive friends had to say to make me feel better:


Orlando: bahahahahha

Hiro: Yes, exactly, that's what anybody would do, immediately run to the nearest bathroom, prolonging public exposure in the process, get into a stall with panties dragging along dirty public floors, whip out camera, take pic, wealth in internet points achieved. Fucking GOLD

Ron: Sinner. I'm still looking online for the video. I know it's out there, and when I find it, I'm making it my profile picture.

LONG LIVE ICE CREAM

Ice cream is amazing. I believe it is the cure to all things. When people get sick I tell them to eat ice cream, they usually laugh at me. Ron was the last person to do so. He ended up in the hospital for 2 months and lost like 60 pounds, that's like 2 pregnancies.
As soon as he woke up from his coma, I visited him and showed him the card I made him- Which was a drawing of an ice cream cone and the words: I TOLD YOU SO
I then lectured him how he should have listened to me. It was pretty awesome cause he couldn't argue back- Being how he just came outta coma.

Ice cream... yum yum yum

Fast Five!

I just came back from seeing FAST FIVE.
It was awesome.
I cried.
I'm the only one that cried.

After the movie, 2 securities stopped me and asked to check my purse for cameras and cellphones, they even made me open up my wallet. I was the only one that got checked. James had an explanation for it: "They stopped you cause you are Asian, and they think you will record the movie and sell it in Korea Town"

Car wash fail

I must remember I now have hot neighbors... And washing my car in my captain underpants shirt with my batman boxers is not attractive... Especially when you are soaked.

Maybe my hot neighbor will have a thing for Asian girls looking like a drowned rat in batman boxers? *crosses fingers*

Blah. I am doomed to stay single forever.

Btw I washed my car. This means there is a good chance it will rain tomorrow.

I am so annoyed. This kid is always hinting about me going out with his fat friend. His friend looks like a white baby elephant, and no one wants to screw that.

I am the Rain Man

I have magic powers.

Every time I wash my car, it will rain the next day. Even if they forecast it to be over 100 degrees the next 5 days, it will rain if I wash my car. I am like the rain man, except instead of using a large piece of wood filled with ummm things that make it sound like rain- I will get out a bucket, soap and sponge.
Seriously, I should just travel around the world in my little car, visiting farms that need rain and offer my service.

Hmph.

My mother no english

[Juicy]

Mom: "Do you know any Juicy people?"
Me: "What the- HUH??"
Mom: "You know Juicy people... JUICY JUICY-"
Me: "Stop it! Shouting it just makes it all the more creepy!"
***Have my mother gone mad and became a cannibal?***
Me: "Mom... What are you talking about?"
Mom: "Juicy people.. The people that Hitler killed"
Me: "OHHHH! You mean JEWISH!"
Mom: "Yes, Juicy"
Me: "Forget it mom, just promise me you will NEVER ask someone if they are juicy"
Mom: "Juicy... Isn't that also his name?"
*Mom points at a board with a picture of Jesus.*



[A Bastard]

Mom:in chinese "What's the English word for the the highest ranking diplomat?"
Me: "Ummm... Ambassador?"
Mom: "A-bastard?"
Me: "Nooo mom, AM-BA-SUR-DER"
Mom: "AHHHH-BASS-TURD"
Me: "No"
Mom: "A-BASTARD! A-BASTARD!"
Me: "Mom! Screaming the wrong word isn't making it right! You are saying a very bad word!"
I explained the word "bastard" is like the Chinese bad word "Turtle egg".
My mom got really excited she learned a new bad word and kept repeating it randomly through out the day.

Arthur!

Just came back from watching the movie "Arthur" with Ron. I loved it! I loved it!
Ron hated it, probably because it didn't have explosions and boobs.
I admired the awesome cars in the movie. When I said this, my evil little brother said: "Cars don't make a good movie".
As the mature older sister, I had to shout back: "YOU DON'T MAKE A GOOD MOVIE!"

Goodnite.

P.S I was really annoyed that after I washed my car, I got sick and didn't drive for 4 days, than today I find my car covered in bird poop. Thanks a lot birds. I'm going to eat more chickens now.

I need a social life

[Last night]

Me: HEY!!
C: Hey
Me: Wow we are such losers huh. Online on a saturday night =]
C: Fool im at club roxy on my cell

Laundry mat embarrassment

Keep in mind I've been very sick for the past few days so this would have happened to any one of you guys too!!!! (Ok so I admit I am the only idiot that would do this)

Yesterday, I had to go to the laundry mat to wash my clothes because I have bled, puked and pissed on all of mine. As I was waiting for my clothes to be done (bored as hell), I noticed there was a vending machine for you to buy fake teeth. I love those. I bought two.


I didn't have a mirror, so I used the background of the stuff animal machine. I tried it on and cracked myself up. As I was pointing and laughing at myself, a hot guy walked in. I stared at him with my jacked up teeth.
I was so embarrassed I couldn't even just played cool. I ran to my car and hid till my clothes were done.

Another reason why I am doomed to be single forever.

Hello world!

So I decide to share my life adventures to the world. Unfortunately, my adventures will be nothing like a real adventure like going into a temple of doom. It'll be mostly filled with me making a fool outta myself in some way and probably bitching a lot about being single and not getting laid.

So enjoy!

P.S The hot chick on my logo is not me. Sadly.